Blissed and Gone
by isaytoodlepip
Summary: HP/SS Slash. An older, triumphant Harry faces pain and madness as he and Severus are torn apart by their agreement not to fall in love. Warning: violence, self-harm, off-screen character death.
1. Part 1

****

A/N

Plot: This is a songfic based on the Smashing Pumpkins' "Blissed and Gone". POV often switches with the chapters (to make it easier, here's the breakdown of narrators in order: Severus, Harry, Severus, Harry, Severus, 3rd person). 

This story takes place when Harry is 30 years old and is teaching at Hogwarts, having defeated Voldemort years ago.

Warnings: Lots of angst, some cursing, violence, and slash.

Rating: R

Pairing: HP/SS

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and settings belong to J.K. Rowling. Song lyrics belong to the Smashing Pumpkins.

Blissed and Gone

Part One: Severus

  
* **_The sun has blessed   
The rays are gone   
And all the kids have left their tears and gone home…*_**

Two hours. No, now it's two minutes. And now they're finally gone. An entire summer free of explosions and headaches and children whining about being jilted by lovers or punished out of house bias or whatever it is that these whelps yip about all day. But I'm forgetting about tonight. No, not forgetting. I've been thinking about it all day. I think about him every day. Showing up with his timid knock and gratified smile ready when I open the door. That smile. I wish he wouldn't bother with it. It's all I can do to remind him that _some_ of us don't have a perfect life to smile about. Of course, I don't really feel that way. But what I feel isn't at issue here. We've agreed to avoid the subject altogether. Why hasn't the sun set yet? Where is that damned brat?


	2. Part 2

****

Part 2: Harry

* Sweet 17, sour 29   
And I can't explain myself   
What I'd hoped to find   
You were all so kind   
When I was near 

* * *

…*

I used to be…I don't know. I don't even know _that _ anymore. But it was better than this. It had to have been. Almost thirty. God, how could I have let this happen? How could I have let my eyes close? One blink. All one blink. One moment unobserved and Ron is dead at my feet. One glance in the other direction, and Hermione joins him. I don't know. I don't know. How can a human life, _two _lives, all hang upon one…

I can't think of it anymore. It doesn't matter that it's summer. I barely held myself together when the students were here, and if I let myself fall apart now, I'll never…

This is ridiculous. Why can't I finish a simple thought? Memories, nightmares drag on and on, hell bent on reaching an end if only to start over again to torment me. Why can't I finish a thought? There's Peeves. Shit, my eyes…

Only, how did he know? I didn't even know until he whispered it into my ear. I was only a boy. No, I was seventeen. Sometimes, I think he might have guessed. Might have seen my blush when they stripped the tortured man of his robes. "I'm going to kill this man," Voldemort hissed into my ear. Even out of the corner of my eye, I could see Ron and Hermione straining to listen. "You will hear him being ripped apart," Voldemort whispered. I kept wondering why he didn't sound pleased. Not even amused. "I know, Harry. You love him, don't you?" I couldn't say no. I couldn't shake my head. Why? I didn't love him, not then. I couldn't…

"I'm going to make him scream in ways you never could," Voldemort smiled. I knew he was guessing. I knew, and he was wrong. I'd never made the man scream in anything other than rage. "And if you so much as _look_ in his direction, your friends are dead," Voldemort warned. He didn't sound amused. Only curious. Or disappointed. Or…

I looked. I couldn't stop myse…I looked. Professor Snape was crying, sobbing, and I remember that I wanted to smile for him. Congratulate him on feeling…

I looked and my two best friends were dead at my feet. I looked again and I was in the hospital. I still don't remember where the scars…

I looked again and now I'm nearly thirty. Teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts. No lesson about the betrayal I…

The students that left yesterday were all lovely. I cry every night at their beauty. I mean it, so beautiful. Even when they're little girls, running away from whoever just broke their heart. Beautiful. Severus is beautiful. No, he's not beautiful. He's…

Where am I? I mean, where am I going? Why is it that I always end up in the dungeons, every time I'm running away from…

Where the fuck is he? I know that part of our arrangment includes the avoidance of expectations, but doesn't he know by now that on Sundays…

__

* And if you're still feeling down   
Then maybe you need me around   
To love and hold you   
Don't say I hadn't told you so   
Maybe you need me around…*

"Potter," he says. It means hello, coming from him. At least at night. I can't think about what my name means for everyone else. In fact, I can ignore every meaning but this one. This one, and the one that comes from Albus Dumbledore. That one is pity. Pity, for a broken toy. He stuffs potions and pills into his toy's ripped mouth, pulls the string on the toy's back and if the sentence comes out complete and intelligible, he pats me on my head, puts me on the shelf, and no more pity until I'm caught mumbling to myself again, or seen digging my nails into my eyelids. Then it's back to the binding. Only for a night, he whispers, only for a night, to make sure you don't…

"Are you ok?" I asked him. Severus's hip has been acting up for days. And he sounds sad. So sad and…

"Severus?" God, why isn't he looking at me? What have I done? But I can't ask…

"Did you have a nightmare last night? You know I wish you'd let me stay some…"

"Potter, how many times have I told you? No. No, you will not sleep here. No, I don't need you to come and comfort me. I am not some wounded bird that needs to be nursed back to health. Just because you came out unscathed in the end doesn't mean it's your responsibility to heal all wounds," he snaps. Blind. Blind. Albus said he was but…

No, Severus is right. I'm unscathed. Dumbledore is a liar. I've always known. He tries to make me think I'm ill just so he can control me. That's why he never sends me off, back to the hospital. That's why none of the staff knows that…That's why he doesn't tell anybody about the nights when he pumps me full of drugs and secures my arms to my bed. It's not healing. It's not medicine meant to exorcise any demons or fight off any nightmares. Post-traumatic stress? Severus just said it, there was no trauma! Not for me! And I've been worrying for nothing. Dumbledore just wants me to stay dependent on him. Because he's dependent on me. Yes, he's…

"I know it's not my responsibility, but I still want to help you," I answer. Look at Severus. Why doesn't Albus help him? He's always complaining about the leg. And he loses his breath very easy, since his lung was…

"I don't need your damned help," he growls. "The only thing you are good for is entertainment."

"Why are you so angry with me?" I can't believe I asked! He's going to hit…

"Because Dumbledore pulled me aside today, again," he snaps. Fucking Dumbledore. Why does he never…

"What did he say this time?" I sigh.

"More of this 'Ask Harry' shite. So Potter, do you have anything to confess to me? Because Albus seems to think that I'm being horribly unfair to you. He seems to think that I'm damaging your precious little mind," Severus sneers.

"I honestly don't know what the Headmaster is talking about," I answer. "Maybe he wishes that you'd let me sleep here?"

"What is it that you wish, Potter?" It's a trick, I know it is.

"I wish for you to be happy. You've always known that, Severus. If you can't be happy with me as a friend, than I'm fine with you being happy with me the way things stand."

"So gallant of you, Potter," he smiles. A smile! "So chivalrous. The Boy Who Lived, lowering himself to become nothing but a common whore. I'd ask why you do it to yourself, but then you might get the impression that I care."

"You do care, Severus," I whisper. "But I don't need you to say it."

"I'm sorry, Harry," he sighs. Finally. I knew something was wrong. "You do infuriate me, you know that don't you?"

"Yes," I answer.

"I just wish you'd stop playing around. We both agreed that this is not some sentimental love affair. We agreed that…I don't understand what Albus is going on about though! Have you been complaining about me to him?"

"No, I'd have no reason to," I answer. Honest. But I feel the shiver waving over my heart. It always stings so…I wish Severus would stop talking. I know I'm meant to be supporting him, loving and holding him and pretending, for his sake, that he doesn't need me. But I can't think about what he needs from me right now. I need him to either fuck me until I can't think anymore, or I need to fly out to the forest again. God, and those potions! Dumbledore promised, but I haven't been able to get hard all week. No side effects, he promised. He's trying to keep us apart, I know it. He wants me to…

"Because if you have, then we can stop-"

"No!" I shout. I have to save him, have to make him stop sobbing, don't cry Severus, please don't cry, you're hurting him you bastard, blood, all that blood, just don't rip out his heart, I know he pretends not to need it, but he does, he does, God, don't cry Severus, I know it hurts but I'm going to save you, don't say "Harry" like that, I'm fine, how dare you worry about me, it doesn't hurt, there is no fire, you're dreaming Severus, I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine, I'm here to help you, I'mfineI'mfine, you're bleeding, no I'm not bleeding too, I'm unscathed, I'm perfect, I have to be perfect for you, yes, I know, their dead, it's not your fault, it's mine, it's mine but I need to be perfect for you for you…

"Because, whatever we are or are not to each other, we promised that we'd stop if either of us was getting hurt," he continues. God, is he saying that I hurt him? I didn't mean to hurt him. I never meant to…what have I done now? Have I failed again? Did I look the other way?

"But neither of us are hurt, are we?" I ask. He's staring. He's staring at me, looking for an answer. Or does he want me to apologize for…

"Let's get started," he whispers. Whispers, and eyes, eyes. God, I'm so hard. Maybe the drugs have warn off. Thank you so much. I promise…oh he's so fucking beautiful. These moments, it's so hard not to cry. But if I cry he might think I'm upset with him, and that would hurt him. Or maybe he'd think that whatever Dumbledore has been hinting at is true. And that would hurt him more, knowing that the Headmaster thinks Severus has been taking advantage of the broken orphan boy. Severus needs Albus to believe in him, and I'm not going to fuck that up for anything.

"What do you want, Harry?" he asks, like I can think when his tongue is…when his cock is…

"You know what I want, Severus," I moan. God he tastes like juniper smells. He looks like snow. I burn my tongue when I lick his…

"You want whatever makes me happy?" he sighs. I wish I could understand why he sounds so sad. Am I boring him? Or maybe he wants to make me happy tonight. Maybe he…no, he can't lo…

"Always," I answer. His skin, God, his skin, where's the zipper, I want to crawl in. I've seen it split open, I've seen him sob, I can make him sob from being so happy, that's what I owe him, every thing every thing…

"What would make you happy?" he asks. How can I be so full? How can I…

"Moan like that again," he grunts, pushing my hands further into the mattress and licking up my spine.

"Please Sev, please," and he's in me and it's so perfect and I'm too small for him, he needs something immense, it's the only thing that he could fill, immense, he needs to find heaven in me and he can't he can't ever find it in me, nothing infinite can live in me, and I can cry because my face is pushed against the mattress, and if he sees he'll think they're for joy, for the joy of him, but I feel so guilty, so guilty that I can never be enough for him, we're all supposed to be god like everything is god and he's coming he's coming, it's supposed to be pouring god into god but I can't be that for him because I killed god in me when I looked at him, when I looked back and failed him, failed them too, and even this, even this won't make up for it…

"What's wrong?" he asks. Shit, I'm limp. I'm dry and I've lost it and he'll see it as his failure, not mine, it's mine.

"Nothing's wrong," I pant. "You're hip must be better if you could do that." He smiles. But he won't let me stay. We tried it once, but he said I kept waking him with my dreams. He looked so uncomfortable that morning that I thought that was it. I was out. But he still lets me come at night and I'm so grateful because I would probably die if I couldn't make him happy. And it was probably his nightmare that kept him up. Why else would he look so embarrassed? Mortified to be fucking the person giving him nightmares, but he doesn't see that's why I need to…

"I'll see you later," I say, rolling out of bed.

"Good night, Harry."


	3. Part 3

****

Part 3: Severus

* _I had no luck   
I had no shame   
I had no cause, just 17 days of rain   
And you in my eyes…*_

I'm so tired and I wish Harry would stop, just for once. Damned brat. He has no idea how hard it is to keep this charade up. I wish the insufferable bastard would let it end. This monstrous mistake has been going on long enough. But when he first came back to the castle, looking that way…we agreed, damnit! We agreed that it was lust and that it would be painless and loveless. Why does he insist on offering to care for me? To spend the night in my bed? It's out of guilt. I know it is. He's trying to be the noble one, but it's not as if he really loves me. It's my fault his friends are dead, for God's sake. He understands the debt I owe him and he's calling it in. He won't admit to it, but that is what this is. Or was supposed to be. It only took seventeen days of miserable weather to make me fall in love with the wretch. There's no way I'd ever let him sleep in my bed now. He'd wake up and see the look on my face and he'd know that I've taken it too far. And he'd leave me. And the worst thing is that he wouldn't leave out of malice. He'd leave because he'd think his job is done. Severus Snape, healed at last! He'd go off and find another wounded lamb, the guilt for being impervious to all of life's pains driving him to heal. As if he could ever heal me, the way he acts. All pity. Damn Albus. He sees what I'm doing. He must. He sees that I'm harsh with Harry, that I'm callous towards him. He knows that I'm being selfish for acting this way, for tricking Harry into thinking that my heart needs mending. Albus must want me to set Harry free of whatever obligation he thinks he has to me. That must be why the headmaster always sounds so worried when he speaks about Harry. He thinks he's wasting his chance to find real love while he's fucking me out of pity, or whatever it is that makes Harry think he wants to stay at night. But then, there's something more to Albus's fretting. He digs his elbow into my side every time Harry rubs his eyes or mutters to himself. Is Harry saying something about me? He's probably trying to think of a way to get out of this arrangement. But last night I offered an out. I told him that if I was hurting him he could leave. When he said no, he wouldn't leave, I nearly broke down. I'm so relieved that he's staying this summer. Maybe he'll put up with letting me make love to him during the day, if he can bear to see me in the light.


	4. Part 4

****

Part 4: Harry

* Just one more song to slay this earth   
And I can't explain myself   
Just what it's worth   
It was all I had, but not all I need   
And I can't escape the fact that I still bleed…*

It burns it burns, why is he following me? He's always…

"Hello Harry," Nick greets. Cheery. Will I be cheery when I…

"Nick," I nod. Spying, that's what…

"How is your summer going so far?"

"Well," I answer, turning down the hall that leads to the library. Severus is working on a potion with fairy wings and I want to show him that I know something…

"Did I hear you say it burns?" he asks. Shit, aloud again. "Is it your back?"

My back? Why do people ask about my back? They never believe me when I say that I wasn't there. My back wasn't set aflame and I wasn't there to smell…

"What? No, my back is fine," I answer. Thank God, Severus never asks about it. He only ever licks it…

"Well, if you're sure," Nick says, frowning before floating off, probably to tell on me. My back doesn't burn. My ass is burning though. Not from Severus though, because that would feel nice, but I know my memories never stop midway and god don't these Death Eaters ever lift their foreskins when they wash? Miracle I'm clean after they all…

"Hello Harry." Shit.

"Headmaster," I greet. Why is there blood on my hands? Where am I going?

"Harry, I'd like you to come with me to your …"

"No, please," I whine. Where's Severus? If he were here, I wouldn't whine, but I wouldn't be here either, what am I saying, where are we, why is there blood, I thought he took this away from me…

"Harry, Harry, calm down," Dumbledore whispers. Calm, I'm calm, I'm always always, stop making me…

"No, don't, don't tie me down," I whisper. What can I say? I said something once and it made him stop, for a moment he stopped for a moment. "Please, don't, they tied me down, please, I won't look I won't look, don't tie me down, I won't fight, fuck, please, I want it, don't tie"

He stops! I can beg! I'm powerful when I beg! He stops and I take off, I'm flying, he didn't know that I can fly but I do all the time, Severus would tell anyone I do all the time, Severus, always makes me smile that beautiful man, who's yelling, no one, it's silent, it's always very quiet wherever I go because no one dares speak to me, untouchable untouchable, I forgot that I was, I've been making Severus, that's why he's so mad, I'm supposed to protect him, to save him from Voldemort but I've been making him touch me instead and I'm filthy and he knows he knows but he's been taking care of me! He's been taking care of me the entire time! Oh Severus, I've failed you. I looked away. I can't…I'm sorry. I'm sorry Severus. There's blood on my hands, in my eyes. I forgot for a moment that I can bleed, but I'll do it for you Severus, everything for you because this is what I need this is what makes me happy and it was unfair to ask for it from you especially from you because I already owe you so much and I've been hurting you and I see how now I see and you wanted to tell me last night you wanted me to stop but I made you fuck me, I raped you, I raped you every night this past year and that's why you don't let me sleep in your bed, because you are so strong that you can handle burying your cock in me but you can't endure me wrapping my arms around you I'm so sorry I'm so…

__

* And if you're still feeling down   
And if this seems way too loud   
Then maybe you need me around…*

This is the thing about waking up tied down to my bed. The bonds are always invisible. Why does Albus do this? Why make the ropes invisible? If I strain against them and fail to move, I can look down and see _nothing_ and then, doesn't that mean the failure is mine? 

Where is this lucidity coming from? I yawn, cracking my jaw in the process. I hear movement at my side and Severus comes into view. Dear Severus. When did you get so old?

"Harry?" he asks. Has his voice always been so soft? "Harry, how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine, Severus," I answer. "Are we in your room? Did you let me stay the night?" I can't remember any games. In fact, the only game I ever remember playing with Severus was the one time he let me be on top.

"We're in your room, Harry," he answers, sitting down on the edge of my bed and leaning over to undo the charms on my wrists and ankles. "Don't you remember what happened yesterday afternoon?"

I can't remember seeing Severus so sad. What was yesterday afternoon? Nothing out of the ordinary. I fell apart, Albus put me back together. The only difference today is that Severus knows. Severus knows. And now I can look at him with all the horror I've been collecting these past twelve years.

"Harry, why didn't you ever tell me?" he asks. Where's the anger?

"Tell you what?" Ah, there's the anger. He's hitting me now. Very hard, very hard and crying too. I'd beg him not to cry if only I could breathe. What's wrong with my chest? I look at myself and see the bandages. Oh yes, the fire. In my moments of clarity, I always wonder why I choose fire as a means of self-mutilation. Surely it must be something of an oddity. But before I can tell him I'm sorry, Severus is running away. I'm tired. I think I'll rest, just for a moment, before giving chase.


	5. Part 5

****

Part 5: Severus

* I had no voice   
I had no drive   
I had no choice   
I've done my time   
I had myself   
Had my band   
I had my love   
Had no hand in watching it all fall apart…*

  
I hit him, I hit him when he was already hurt, my poor Harry, he never, why didn't he ever tell me he was hurt? I've been cruel and cold and petty and pathetic all for him , for him, because I thought that if I only told him I didn't want to pretend that it wasn't real between us that he would run away. And now I've run away, and left him and he's probably bleeding again, probably didn't even notice that he cut his arm to hell as well. How could I have let our lives turn into this? Damned boy. Damned Albus. Why didn't they ever say? I could have…I don't even know. Could I have helped Harry? Still I don't know what…what happened? What the fuck happened to us? We've been lovers for a year and how could I have been so blind? And I was blind to everything! Everything! I've touched every inch of that body and the only scar I've ever seen was that damned lightning bolt on his forehead. How could I have…I know he wasn't putting up concealment charms. I know how those feel because I used to…but why didn't I see? Why didn't I remember? I was there for God's sake. I saw what they did to him that night. I saw more than what he ever admitted happened. Sometimes in class, the smell of burnt feathers still sends me back to that night, but why did I assume Harry was healed? God, now I look at his back and…how could I have not _felt_ those…what is he doing at this school? Now Albus tells me that Harry's been medicated, drugged these past four months, and that before, before, that's why there are added wards on the perimeter of the forest. That's why Hagrid usually whispers that the forest was calm last night. What about the times he didn't? Twice last week that I can remember. Was Harry…God, I can't even bear to think about it. Alone out there, prey to everything, to everything. To me. And I just hit him. He always asks me why I'm so angry with him too. Have I ever…no, I've never hit him before. I love him. Why did I…God save me, I knew he was crying the other night. Was he remembering…where was I this year? How could I have let him fall apart? He came to me every night and I just thought, he's 29, lonely, beautiful. Beautiful. I should have known I was his punishment. He must see Weasley and Granger every time he looks at me. He must remember how he looked at me and he must think that it's his duty to love me like Voldemort assumed he loved me or else his friends would have died for nothing. Nothing. They died for me though. Less than nothing. Why did Harry look at me? It was because I was weak and I cried out and shocked him. I as good as killed him. How could I have ever hoped to love him? I killed him.

"You did no such thing," Albus says, scaring me out of my stillness. Did I say that aloud?

"I did, Albus. You've been warning me away from it since November but I didn't listen and now it's too late." I want to cry. I've been waiting to cry for such a very long time.

"How is it too late, Severus?" Albus asks. God, he sounds so impatient. Not even the same man.

"Haven't you seen what he did to himself? Haven't you seen what I've done to him?"

"Severus, how do you feel about Harry?"

"Oh no you don't!" I yell, shaking his calming hand off my arm. "You can't come in here and ask a few questions and try to fix us. We're _people_ Albus. This isn't some fucking childish squabble or strategy for war."

"I disagree on both fronts there," Albus answered sternly. "And I would have stepped in months ago if I hadn't been bound to confidence by my role in Harry's recovery."

"What recovery?" I laugh. "He's mad."

"Yes, he is. But he has the capacity to be fully functional when properly medicated. It's only this relationship that…"

"I knew it. You think it's all my fault," I interrupt. 

"I didn't say that," he answers.

"Why not? It is my fault. I've been an utter fool."

"Yes, you have. And Harry's been dishonest. And since he's constructed a rather effective method of tuning out whatever advice I give to him, I'll just have to speak to you instead. You love him, Severus."

"Of course I do," I answer. 

"And Harry loves you."

"He can't." Albus looks as if he's about to strike me.

"That is perhaps the cruelest thing you have ever said about him. That man has a bigger capacity for love than I have ever seen. It is so immense that it threatens to fill him up until he bursts from it."

"But he can't love _me_," I clarify. He can't and I know it. Not after…

"He can and he does. But somehow he got the impression that he was forbidden to show you."

"We agreed! It was part of our arrangement!"

"Why was there a need for such an arrangement?"


	6. Part 6

****

Part 6

* And if you're still feeling down   
Then maybe you need me around   
To lift and scold you   
To send you crashing alright now   
Maybe you need me around…*

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Severus Snape sounded terrified, and Harry couldn't decide whether he was fearing a "yes" or "no".

"Yes," he answered, stripping himself of the loose shirt he was wearing. He winced at the stiffness in his shoulders, a result of having been confined to his bed for two weeks.

"Does it still hurt then?" Severus asked, motioning towards the light pink scars that freckled his chest. Harry wished for the hundredth time that he hadn't used a spell that would insure scars.

"Don't make that face," Severus smiled sadly. "You know that you're so beautiful I could scream."

"Don't tease me," Harry muttered, moving to loosen his belt buckle.

"I'm not," Severus whispered, crossing the room so fast that Harry couldn't find time to blink or blush before he was divested of his pants. "God, I love you," Severus whispered, drinking in the sight of His Harry.

"Are you sure?" Harry asked. He meant for it to sound teasing, but there was no space for that tonight.

"I've been sure for so long that's it's become a faith. There's a religion to loving you," Severus answered.

"I hope it's a religion with presents," Harry laughed, tugging at Severus's robes.

"You're crying," Severus whispered, voice full of awe.

"You are too," Harry answered.

"I'll give you three turns if you tell me why," Severus said, pulling Harry into him, marveling at his lover's skin. It was so close as to be his own.

"I'm just so happy you're letting me stay the night," Harry answered, pulling guiding them towards the bed.

"I'm letting you stay for ever," Severus corrected. "And you're letting me stay for ever."

"What if…"

"You won't," Severus answered, without having heard the question. "And if you do, I'll hex you into next week, but I'll still be here with you, even if you look away."

"I won't look away," Harry answered, words flying out with the speed of an ill-planned promise.

"Just get your ass in this bed, Potter, or the hexing will start prematurely."

"Hey, what is it with you and starting prematurely?" Harry giggled.

"Oh that's it," Severus growled. "You're sleeping on the couch." Harry sighed and started towards the couch, before stopping and turning around.

"Sev, what if this all breaks apart in the morning? It's only been-"

"Harry, we've both been breaking and pulling ourselves back together, alone, for so many years now. Don't you think that it can only be easier with two of us now?"

"Will you come to the couch with me?" 

"Of course," Severus answered patiently. "I'd never make you go anywhere alone."

The End


	7. Important Disclaimer

A/n:

Sorry, this isn't a new chapter, since the story is over. But I did fail to include a disclaimer that is very important. Earlier in the story ( I think in Part 2) there was a statement about "pouring God into God". As much as I wish I could take credit for this, the idea came from a short story by J.D. Salinger called "Teddy", which I recommend to everyone. Thanks to those among you who have reviewed. - Jen


End file.
